Birthday / Goodbye Grandpa

Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. Today was a mixture of cheerful and crushing sadness. I am still trying to come to grips with it even as I write this. It was a good day overall until late afternoon when my aunt and I were about to go out to dinner for my birthday. We found out my Grandpa Jim passed away this morning. I fought so hard to keep it together and we still went out to dinner. Just doesn't feel right to be happy or celebrate anything in light of the news.

All I kept thinking about was not getting a chance to tell him how much I loved him and see him one last time. Crying a lot, and going to cry a lot more and mourn him. He was the only grandpa I ever really knew ( my biological grandpa passed away when I was very young ). Remember the good times. He's in a better place now and no longer in pain.

I want to go to his funeral. But he's in Chicago. His son-in-law finally come down to Mississippi to get him a week or so ago and brought him back up there to stay with his daughter because of health issues. I want to go but have no means to get there, no money to travel.  If we were still in Minnesota, it wouldn't be as difficult to get there.  There's more stuff I am fighting with mentally about it... but not going into that here.

Coming home to read your notes and best wishes for my birthday helped make things a little better. So I wanted to take the time to thank you all for that.

I'll probably be withdrawn, because this is one of those things where I am really not okay, no matter how hard I try to lie to myself or anyone else and say otherwise. Took me forever just to write this past the tears and sobbing.

I'm afraid I might end up hating my birthday from this point forward.