Bright and blessed Christmas / Yule to everyone

Wash Another Prospect?

Still alive. Trying medication adjustments per doc. Still very out of it at points when meds kick in, so may be a bit scarce at times since I make little sense or write weird things when totally medicated. By time I finish, it will have taken me hours just to write and proof read this, like anything I write these days.

I think I am just destined to have bad luck with my service dogs in training and any service dog prospects.  I was feeding animals this evening. Put my hand in puppy bowl ( as I gave to her ) to encourage her to eat from hand and hands are okay by bowl, something I have always done and normally met with wiggly waggy tails because they get extra good treats in the process.  Well tonight she got a wild hair up her ass and decided to growl at me....a freeze/tense, growl warning, go to eat food again sort of way.  This is after demand bark/yowl/howling for almost an hour because I was in the other room ( eating my own dinner and getting meds ) and she was in here in her kennel ( Ember was laying to her side quietly).  So presumably she was hungry, but still.  Not like she was starving for food or ever missed a meal or had to compete with anyone or anything here for her food.

She has been doing the demand bark/yowl/shriek since I got her.  She has gotten somewhat better ( worse - before extinction? ). I think she learned it from watching the misbehaving pit bull belonging to the ladies I got her from.  Then all she had to do was throw a tantrum of her own and I am pretty sure they must have somehow reinforced it, even if unintentional.  That was at 5wks/going on 6 wks old I got her  She is 7wks now.  Not a good sign as far as the growly resource guarding behavior is concerned.  For a normal pet dog, I could work around and through it.  But it is a very undesirable trait for a potential service dog prospect to have - one older dogs would immediately be washed from training for, because it is too much of a risk and liability.  So is she treated same as they would be? Do I just cut the loss and let her go too?  There are other concerns, and again while I think I could train past them given time, time is against me and I lack resources, so I find myself falling back to what my gut instinct says, since it was right before. But then I second guess myself and everything about everything.

I didn't want to say anything before I was more certain, but Ember has been having weird quirks and also not always alerting the older she has gotten, too.  Since I was put on this new medication, it has totally screwed up her alerting. I almost faceplanted the other day getting out of bed because she didn't alert ( she has jumped into bed and woken me for similar situation alerts in the past for reference ).  She is more and more unsure on her own legs/feet. I tried trimming nails and foot fur down as much as I can. Maybe will try boots with good grip and just have her always wear those when working from now on. But otherwise it becomes dangerous because she loses her balance and drags me down with her.  I am out of time and have no options to turn to.  The idea that years of freedom she has brought me will end and I will be alone is... well, frightening.

Laugh if you want, but not being able to know if your body is going to decide to have a random heart rate/blood pressure spazz out that causes you to randomly get very sick and pass out, and the only sure thing that has kept that from happening by warning you in advance being your dog....yeah.  That's not even counting the multitude of other issues like random joint dislocations and tissue injury I can get just by walking or standing.  That's why I need a service dog. Otherwise it is tote around a cane, blood pressure cuff meter, and heart rate monitor, extra meds and smelling salt and the like, and hope that I won't actually need them. But if I do, I will have little if any warning at all, before symptoms hit. Few realize how humiliating it is to stagger suddenly and run into random objects or people ( and the glares you get ) , or how helpless you feel sinking down to the floor in a pre-syncope attack where you basically white out/black out ( no vision or hearing), lose consciousness and sense of anything going on around you, how vulnerable that leaves you if you are all by yourself.  That is my life.  Ember ( even Journey and Chakotay ) has made it a million times better over the years she has helped me, kept me safe.  But now what?

I will go back to barely leaving the house, especially since Mike isn't even here.  He'd go out with me places and get me out at least.  I can't ask or expect my aunt or anyone else to do that. Even when Mike and I are living together again. It is such a huge pressure and burden on our loved ones, that is why a service dog is not just a relief to us as handlers, but to our loved ones who worry so much about us and otherwise have to do so much for us without them to help us. Losing that freedom and security is crushing... especially when you tried so hard to have your backup plan all ready, and you knew just what to do and did it; only life had other ideas.  It always does.  Never works out the way we hoped it would.

ER Visit, Trigeminal Neuralgia

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts and concern over me having to go to the ER yesterday.

ER finally confirmed what I have suspected for a while -  I have Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN). And it is probably directly caused by my Sjögren's Syndrome.

They gave me a new medication that tries to target TN nerve pain, and it was finally able to break through the agony late last night/early this morning.

I went to bed with the lower left side of my face swelling ( inflammation related ), and when I woke up today the entire left side of my face was swollen and eye watering from the puffy around it, making it hard to see out that side.  Using an ice pack on it, so will see if that helps reduce the swelling.

Otherwise I am stable, still in pain but new med is helping. Follow up with primary doc and Neurology Monday.  I am a zombie, will be while getting used to this new med.

Recap on what led to this point:

I was in so much pain, I hadn't been able to sleep for days ( worse than normal ) because the pain always gets insanely worse at night.  I have an extremely high tolerance for pain these days, and my Gaba med normally takes enough edge off that I can "ignore" it ( just suffer through it ).  On the second day it was getting to where I couldn't tolerate it anymore. Aunt tried to help by getting me all sorts of ice/heat packs and OTC stuff to dull pain.  It got so bad that night/early morning that I almost called an ambulance ( my aunt was asleep and she can't drive at night so only way I could have got to ER is that way or call cab and I was worried Medicaid would not cover ambulance ride and had no way to verify at 2am ).  It was weekend, no way to speak with Medicaid people to see what was covered, I just decided to suffer through it.

On the third day of insane pain I went through my entire daily dose of Gaba in 3.5hrs and it did nothing.  I knew it would only get worse again come evening and I didn't think I could deal with it again without wanting to destroy something from how much it hurt. For pain to hurt me bad enough to make me give in and go to the hospital or ER on a weekend, you know it is seriously bad.  So neighbor took me that evening since aunt can't drive at night ( thanks again so much! ) and dropped me off.

The EJGH staff was AMAZING. First person we were met with was security, and he stopped me when he saw Ember.... I was seriously ready to destroy someone/something at that point from the severe pain and I was having worried flashbacks of the horrible experience I had several years ago with the security douchebag at LSU hospital ER trying to deny me access if I didn't show him "proof" Ember was a real service dog ( this is against the law ).  Thank the gods, this lovely gentleman was far better trained and considerate. He noticed her vest and the patches clearly defining what she was, smiled and said nevermind and told me to go ahead. I heard other hospital staff whispering as we wandered past, all saying "its a service dog" to each other, sounding as relieved she was the real deal as I felt that they recognized what Ember was. They were tons more professional and knowledgeable.  That's why I chose to use EJGH general practice doctors for my care, and their conduct in the ER only reaffirms I made the right choice.

Compared to the LSU ER horror, getting in to the EJGH ER was quick and rather painless.  I was worried it would be crowded on a Saturday evening, and while there were enough other people, the staff had a nice system set up for intake and directing patients. They brought me to an exam room in a wheelchair to avoid me going full syncope due to the pain I was in, worried to make me walk that far down the hallways.  I was thankful for that.  Ember got to show off what a well trained dog she was and that made her happy.  She's been so worried over me the past few days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The nurse helped me into the hospital bed and Ember took her place beside it to wait. I got to watch some HGTV while waiting for the doctor.  We don't have live cable anymore so it was a treat to watch.  The wait for the doctor was brief. She went over my history and current symptoms, I explained I had experienced this problem numerous times before but this was about the worst it had ever been. After a quick examination she agreed based on my history that
Trigeminal Neuralgia was most likely responsible, probably directly caused by my Sjögren's causing irritation/swelling/pressure against the nerve bundles somehow.  She wrote me a new prescription to try Carbamazepine, got an additional referral to Neurology for me, told me to follow up with my primary Monday, and that was that.  They discharged me with paperwork and took me to wait for a cab in the lobby, and were kind enough to make the call for me and inform them I had my service dog with me.

It was while waiting I noticed some tightness in my face on the left side, the effected side.  I was still in a ton of pain and rather out of it, but realized after poking at it gently that it felt like swelling, and not realizing it was there before I got a nurse to ask the doctor.  Unfortunately since they had already discharged me, it meant I would have had to have gone through the whole intake process again, and my cab driver showed up at that time.  Not wanting the poor gentleman to wait or have come out to get me for nothing, I decided it was probably from my
Sjögren's attacking the glands or something. I have had milder swelling where the salivary glands are before, figured that was it and decided it wasn't worth the trouble to wait around for them to likely not do anything else for me anyway.  Couldn't be medication related because I hadn't started the new medicine yet, so clearly it was inflammation.  I figured if it got worse, I could go back.

The cab driver was very nice and considerate, thought Ember was just amazing.  He called her a Rougarou ( Louisiana folklore / French for Werewolf ) when we first got in and told his dispatch he had "Miss Brittney and her Rougarou".  That made me all sorts of happy and geeky, and when I responded showing I knew what the term meant, he was just as delighted.  It was a pleasant drive home with good conversation, as much as I was limited to talk at the time.  Much thanks to Metry Cab and Mr. Jim!

My aunt was able to drive me to the 24-hour pharmacy just down the block, since it wasn't too far and well lit with street lights. Had to wait forever for the new med to be filled.  Finally got home. Took meds. Became a zombie. Finally got some rest.  Took me way too long to write this so it makes sense.  The end.

Service Dog Update Stuff

The Rottie

Unfortunately Diva ( an affectionate nickname we gave her ) the Rottweiler puppy didn't work out.  After further evaluation and working with her, it was obvious that she just didn't have the right characteristics for assistance dog work.  She's still a great little puppy full of potential. but she'd make a better family dog, which is exactly what she will be.  With the help of the woman I got her from, we contacted someone else who had responded with interest in the puppy after I had taken her. They are a family of Rottie enthusiasts who have had them all their lives, and it was clearly a perfect match.  Some things are just meant to be.

New Puppy

Afterwards I did come across another puppy. This one was admittedly younger than I am normally comfortable with taking a pup for evaluation, but the mother dog had stopped nursing the litter and they had been taken by the owner's daughter to care for and find homes for.  The daughter has experience with animal rescue and rehab, so the pups were in good hands and well adjusted for such a young age.

The new puppy is a Labrador ( Chocolate ) / Great Pyrenees mix, who is currently six weeks old.  She passed the temperament test and startle recovery test far better than I expected. She has a beautiful personality and is very willing to stay engaged.  She is a confident little puppy sponge.  She is playful and curious, and has potential. The only thing I am uncertain of is if she will be large enough as an adult.  Hoping there is a mega growth spurt coming soon.  We are playing the name game to see what fits her best.  Some names up for consideration:

Keala ( Pathfinder, the path )
Raksha ( protection, nurture, pathfinder symbology )
Jakara

River

Aina ( Joy, Forever, Celtic/Finnish )

Jera
Seeker

Rain / Rainy

Amaya ( Night rain, Japanese )

Zephyr

Another Dog So Soon?

Something I feel I should say for those who don't know me well enough.  Some might look at this as me playing "musical puppies" and think it callous of me.  I want it to be understood I don't make any of these decisions lightly.  My animals are my family.  In the case of these dogs I am evaluating and "trying out" for lack of better phrasing, I get just as attached to them as I am to my animals that have been lifelong companions.

The difference in the end however is that I can't let those emotions rule my judgement, if I know that animal is not a good fit for the work I need it to be able to do.  I love and respect the animals. I can't force them to be something they are not.  I need a very special type of dog, with a very special personality and abilities to adapt to things that most dogs would want to avoid. I need a special dog that will ignore all those pressures and just enjoy working with me and going places with me as my partner.

Assistance dogs are considered medical equipment, not pets.  Realistically I need to look at it that way and remind myself I can't keep them all, as attached as I get to them through this process of attempting to owner train my new service dog partner.  It makes letting them go that much harder.

Even if it doesn't work out, I always make sure the dog is going to a good, responsible home, and I keep in touch with and follow up to be sure everything works out.  The same as I have always done for any animals I have rescued and fostered over the years.

I have seen too many people who owner train use dogs that really should not be working any form of public access, for one reason or another.  It is not fair to the dog to try and force it to be something it is not.  Doing so would set a bad example on me as a trainer, and be a poor representation of the assistance dog communities as a whole.  That is why I am being as selective as I am. Because it is the right thing to do, and it is necessary to ensure my dog is not a liability in public.

Physical Therapy, Autoimmune Flair Stuff

I have been pretty sick since last time I updated. I started physical therapy again the week before it hit really bad. It's a flairup caused from over exerting myself, and amplified by the weird changes in the weather here.  Haven't been sleeping well to begin with, so getting up to tend to puppy stuff wasn't as much an issue.  It got bad enough that I almost had a full syncope attack during my physical therapy, and probably fully would have if Ember hadn't alerted me in time so I could stop what I was doing and get to a safe position and warn the staff just in case.

To make matters worse I ended up falling during some hardcore pre-syncope roller coaster rides at home. Bruised myself up pretty good and was sore as hell.  Only to have to go right to the radiology appointments and be asked to contort myself in weird ways and get poked and prodded so they could do the scans, which further pushed my pain threshold.

Poor Ember has been hyper vigilant like she always gets when I get a flairup this bad. Unfortunately she has gotten to a point where it is increasingly difficult for her to do anything for me anymore. There have been several times where she lost her footing while counter balancing me and I almost fell down or into something. I haven't been using her for the balance and bracing assist as much because I don't want to hurt her or myself, and that has only made the flairup that much worse because of the added strain on my body.

I am getting to where I can use my hands again, now that the random painful skin splitting,bleeding, and other pleasantries that come with these flairs is calming some. One tiny scratch I got on my pinky morphed into a huge gash and kept refusing to stay closed and heal even with bandaids, ointments, and finally going as far as using liquid bandage to hold it together. It was very painful. A similar split formed on the corner of my thumb and has been almost as challenging to convince to stop splitting open and start healing.

Even still, I have managed to get 15 ceramic bowl dishes formed and drying as greenware, to be bisqued, glazed and fired to finish, a commission intended for office holiday gifts.  I also have full intentions to work on that dog portrait painting, even if I have to fully bandage my hands to do so.  I will stream while working on it, aiming for this Friday 16th around 8pm CST for anyone interested.

Third Try Is A Charm?

This little thing is what has been keeping me busy this past week.  She is a 7 week old ( 8 weeks old on Dec 6th ) Rottweiler puppy.

After failed attempts to find a dog of the right age/size/temperament/heartworm neg anywhere local for months (50+ dogs again between here and parts of Mississippi), including the recent incident with the touch reactive foster that nearly bit me, my family agreed another puppy might be the best way to go.  Except this time no GSD, and lets try a female instead.

So here she is.  We are doing the same thing with her that we did with Journey and Chakotay, to see what names are fitting.

She is a little spitfire, full of spunk and attitude. And damn is she fast.  A little whirlwind running around the yard, dashing through all the leaves as she snorks and chomps at them.  It's been rainy and overcast so I haven't been able to get a good video of her doing this yet.

She is already weighing 14lbs and fitting into the harness I had the boys in when they were at least two weeks or more older than she currently is.  She doesn't look like she weighs that much.

Here are the names we have narrowed down:

Ripley ( Heroine  Lt. Ripley from the Aliens movie franchise; aka Badass Bitch. ;)   )

Makani ( Wind, Hawaiian; May-Kah-nee )

Kira ( Dusky, dark haired one )

Karma ( Destiny, Listen )

Will share more info and pictures later.

Potential Foster Turns Reactive, Almost Got Bit

Went to see another potential foster this evening.  Was expecting a 90lb+ dog and the pics even looked it. The dog had lost a lot of weight while in shelter they claimed from depression or whatever. He was a little taller than Ember, and I could imagine if he did put on 20lbs he might be okay for the work.  He was perfect with other dogs, cats, kids, living with them all at the foster house.  He seemed fine, just lacking in some leash manners but not horrible. So I said I would give him a shot. Stopped by their local Petco for supplies. While fitting a step in harness to this dog, he became reactive.  I think it was the way I was touching him or the place around the hind legs and groin area trying to repositioning his body and legs so I could get a better angle to slip on the harness and adjust it.  He was stressing some while in the store, but still took treats.  He had tensed up and I heard a low growl, so I stopped and watched him.  There were people across from us making a bit of noise and they had a dog trying to get closer, so I thought it may have been the other dog I heard.  I started to reach back for the hind end to loop the harness through and he tensed again and turned his head slightly so I stopped again until he relaxed and was slack jaw.  Instead of leaning in to loop the harness as I had originally planned to ( which would have put my head/face right in line if he swung around on me ), I angled one arm low and came around with the other to feel at his leg and hip, wondering if he was in pain. I moved his leg slightly with my hand and there was a throaty snarl and he was turning to latch for my arm. I managed to block him with the arm I had angled against his chest for safety and held the collar so he couldn't jerk away and try again. When he realized he was partly restrained he outburst with a lot of snarling and a warning bark that had some people coming over to see if everything was okay.  Which was pretty embarrassing because I looked like some idiot who couldn't control their dog.  That kind of reaction to such simple handling is a serious red flag, and probably part of the reason he ended up in the shelter to begin with.  I couldn't risk it. I brought him back to the foster.  Goodness forbid if someone else starts to take him home like I did, and is not as dog savvy, and ends up getting nailed by him.  I told them what he had done and why I had to bring him back, but I don't think they took it seriously.  He was the last dog on my list in the area to check.  Another 15 dogs down. All I keep getting around here is heartworm positive and severe behavior issues dogs.  That disqualifies them as service dogs flat out.  I can't afford to put money out to try another puppy.  Going to curl up and cry away my frustrations.

Update On Chakotay

Chakotay has been adopted!  A friend of a friend ( who is now my friend too! ) adopted him. They met and he immediately opened up to her and snugglefest ensued!  He knew what he wanted.  They are the perfect match for each other. :)  Huge, huge thank you to everyone who shared his story and expressed interest in him, and for everyone who has offered their prayers and best wishes through all of this.  Gonna miss my dorky fluffball so much. But happy knowing he will make my new friend just as happy as he made me.

Service Dog Situation Update

A friend offered to watch Chakotay so I could "test drive" some foster dogs from the local shelters or rescues and such. I have been looking for months, much how I did when I went looking for and found Journey.  Nothing in the local area young enough, big enough or heartworm negative. I came across a listing for a dog claiming he was a Lab X Mastiff mix, which I thought was perfect for size and possible good characteristics. Went to see him... the dog was smaller than Ember, and more of a Pitty mix.  He was beautiful and beautiful personality, but too small.  So I asked to see what else they had.  Only one really fitting big enough was an American Bulldog. Had good personality and some basic obedience, we tried cat testing in the cat room and he didn't seem interested in them and even went up to sniff one cage and got nailed and didn't even react, just turned away.  Perfect I thought. Went back to test him with Ember and they liked each other. Okay, willing to give him a chance.  He doesn't weigh 70lbs like we thought by the size of him, but 103lbs!  Mega perfect!  Find out he's heartworm positive. Nrgh. Okay. Shelter is willing to work with me, so I agree to try him on foster.  Always cautious when introducing strange dogs to my cats, especially one as big and strong as him....he gets excited when he realizes they are there, and it is prey drive excitement.  I tried a few different approaches to get him to calm and ignore them, which he actually caught on to amazingly well when realizing he got yummy things for ignoring the cats.  But he kept doing the eerie freeze/silence/stare predatory stalking behavior thing.  He also tried to nip at Wasabi through the kennel  when Wa came over to politely say hello ( if the bars had not been there between them the dog would have made contact, which is very dangerous ). I can't risk that with my cats. I can't risk he go after some other random animal in public and risk dragging me down or worse.  I am totally fine working with large, powerful dogs. I have all my life.  But at the same time I can't risk injury to myself to fight against trying to reshape that kind of prey drive on a dog that big.  I hate to say it, but I don't have the time or energy or finances to do so.  So I will be bringing him back tomorrow.  Back to square one. It is getting harder and harder for Ember to do what I need her to do for me, and I am afraid she'd work herself to death if I didn't stop her.  I am afraid of facing being in public without a service dog after all the freedom and peace of mind I have had with my partners, but I am running out of time and options. Fundraisers don't work ( I can't even help save a cat with a broken leg fast enough).  The waiting list for CPL or any program is going to be longer than I can wait, and I don't have $5k-$7k just to travel for team training.  I don't even have $2k to get a well bred pup with health guarantee (if something is wrong breeder will take it back and replace it and their parents are screened for HD/ED and temperament tested CGC and above).  I feel like just totally giving up. I can't do it anymore.

SAVE HOPE: URGENT TIME SENSITIVE NOV 24 DEADLINE

 Update On Hope Cat:  Great news!  Radiology came back clean!! No broken bones. Just really deep punctures. The inflammation is pretty bad and there is some infection, so she has been started on antibiotics. Once that reduces the swelling and everything they will assess if there is any neurological damage. She will be FeLV/FIV tested and put up for adoption.  Thank you so much to everyone for sharing her story, for your donations, your prays and positive thoughts for her!  Since no major surgery was needed afterall, I will be refunding donations and taking down the emergency fundraiser.  Thank you again!


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Writing this exhausted and half asleep to get word out ASAP.

I got involved with a cat rescue where cat ended up having badly broken leg and was in shock but injury is old come to find out but she was clearly in pain and distress and no use of leg. So I took her to SPCA clinic and they directed me to the shelter portion for a program they have doing 3 day holds to try and find owner and vet/stabilize cat. But she probably needs amputation.  I set up a GoFundMe and will spread it like wildfire to hope we can raise the money to help her because the SPCA program might not have funds and if they deem her not adoptable they would otherwise euthanize her, even if she would be adoptable after the surgery and recovery.

Back From Texas

Texas was great. Mike and I enjoyed our time together. After some stupidity dealing with a few rental places in Austin, we did get to see some nice places out in the Kileen/Harker Heights area. We got to meet a friend of ours in person and spend time with her and her family. Plenty of laughs and good food were had. We got a feel for the area and what is available in the rental market if we decide to move there.

Meh

Utterly disgusted.  Hate begets hate.  This many people should not feel ashamed or afraid of who was elected.  It disgusts me that this is the type of country we live in now after all the progress we had made.  Afraid for my rights as a person with medical disabilities who is not able to work.  Afraid for my rights as a woman.  Afraid of losing my healthcare and women's health rights. Afraid for the rights of all my friends and family in the LGBT community.  This country has been needing a healthy dose of chlorine bleach for a long time, but this isn't how I hoped we'd be getting it. I seriously hope the balances and checks that are in place in the government will keep him in check and make the damage less severe than it could be if he could do whatever he wanted. I pray he won't be as horrible as all of us ( Americans and people all over the world ) fear he will be.  I hope he proves us wrong.

Texas Trip

I'm heading to Austin, Texas along with Mike and Ember Nov 9th through 15th to look at rentals.  Chakotay is staying with mom and grandma. I likely won't be online a lot during this time, so send me anything you want me to see.  Anyone have any good audiobooks to share for the drive?  Sci-Fi/Fantasy stuff is preferable but willing to try anything.

Patreon Reward And Goal Changes Completed

Changes to Patreon reward tiers and stretch goals have been completed.  The most exciting change includes the following:


Patrons pledging $5 and above will be granted the right to vote in different situations that will directly influence things I make and how I make them, or what supplies I buy using the money you all have invested in me. Should I buy this glaze or that glaze?  Should I use this stone or that stone?  What creature do I sculpt next?  You decide!




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I changed the stretch goals to give more clear direction. The original goals I used and their amounts were somewhat vague and spaced out since I wasn't sure how to best approach it when I first joined Patreon. I hope this is a better format. Suggestions are welcome.


$25  ( We are ALMOST here!!  $19 out of $25!!  )

This amount allows me to continue purchasing basic creative supplies monthly to experiment with.  It could be spent to buy several lower cost items or one higher cost item.  Examples include but are not limited to: jewelry supplies, painting mediums, several small bottles of ceramics glaze, a larger bottle of ceramics glaze, a box of ceramics clay, ceramics tools

You get to help me choose what to invest in if you pledge $5 or more.

Once we reach this goal, I will raffle off an art original equal to $25. ALL pledge tiers will be eligible to win (as low as $1 pledge ) !  Winner will pay shipping for raffle item.



$50

The higher the pledge amount coming in, the more supplies I can get and the faster I can get them.  This goal amount will allow me to invest in supplies as mentioned above to offer a wider variety.  It would allow me to branch out into materials and supplies that are more expensive, such as special carved gemstones, silver, raku supplies, and more.

You get to help me choose what to invest in if you pledge $5 or more.

Once we reach this goal, I will raffle off an art original equal to $50. ALL pledge tiers will be eligible to win (as low as $1 pledge ) !  Winner will pay shipping for raffle item.




$75

Meeting this goal would allow me to greatly expand on my production. The main thing that keeps me from jumping into certain projects is lack of disposable income to acquire all the supplies I might need for a project.  If I only have $30 to spend per month, but the total cost for supplies for a project is $60, it could take two months just to get everything I need. It might take longer if I have to split the amount between multiple projects. The more you can pledge, the more I can create and give back.

You get to help me choose what to invest in if you pledge $5 or more.

Once we reach this goal, I will raffle off an art original equal to $75. ALL pledge tiers will be eligible to win (as low as $1 pledge ) !  Winner will pay shipping for raffle item.



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Thanks for your support!

Live Art Stream Tonight

Live art stream starting soon! 8pm CST.  -  http://livestream.com/leopardwolf

Art Stream Friday 8pm CST

My health and the technology gods permitting, I will be art streaming this Friday Nov 4th around 8pm CST. Hope to see you there!

http://original.livestream.com/leopardwolf

Patreon Reward And Goal Changes

I plan to make changes to patron reward tiers soon.  Anyone who has pledged and donated toward my art and creative efforts *before* the date of the change, will be grandfathered in to still be eligible for the *old* reward system after the changes are made, based on pledge amount.  The changes will take place Monday, November 7th.

When I start producing work in pure copper, bronze, silver, gold, and using dichroic and higher grade gemstones, people will wish they took advantage of the offer when it was available.

I will also be changing the stretch goals now that I have a better idea of how they work. When I first started using Patreon I really didn't have a clue what to do with them. Now I do.

I will post more information and reminders in preparation for the changes.  Thank you all for your awesomeness and continued support!

Chakotay Update, more setbacks

TLDR: Chakotay's service training had more setbacks. Questioning how much longer to keep trying to make him something he simply might not be.

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I met mom in Slidell yesterday to go shopping for some new clothing, since all mine are about to fall apart. Decided to try taking both Ember and Chakotay with us.

Chakotay was...... ehh.  He was still way too weary even with Ember around and he was leery of different people, especially if they got too close. Some store clerks were moving a clothing rack and he saw it from some 300ft away and suddenly put on the breaks, causing me and Ember to whiplash into him.  When I realized what had him concerned, I walked him to it and asked the guys if they would roll it toward us and I went over and pet it to show him it was okay. He tolerated it ( he didn't have a choice since he was on leash ) but he was not comfortable with it. Ember on the other hand was all happy wiggly and wanted to nudge the rack when I pet it, as a target behavior. She did that because she was hoping I would let her say hello to the two clerks as a reward.

Chakotay's body language for the few hours we were out just said he was not enjoying any of it.  We stopped for food and Chakotay didn't want to stay settled under the table, even though there was plenty of room for both him and Ember. He would lay down and then sit back up a few moments later, much like the restlessness during store training exercises at Petsmart and Petco. The longer we are out, I have noticed he will get more restless and nudge me to let me know he is uncomfortable and wants to leave. He did this in the department store even with Ember present.  Any time we moved back in the direction of the store entrance he wanted to pull to hurry us on our way faster, same as he does in the pet friendly stores when he has had enough.

Mom saw some of it, but I don't think she understood what she was seeing ( she knows some stuff she learned from me, but doesn't know how to read a dog as well ) or really realized how bad it was till we were close to getting ready to leave the restaurant. Mom had to get up and leave the table a few times, and her and I both had to keep repositioning our legs to stay comfortable. Any time Chakotay remotely thought either of us was getting up to leave, he was getting up to try and move from under the table.

This is something I worked on a lot with Ember and Journey, and now with Chakotay. Holding a stay position, waiting patiently and quietly. He is great with it at home, and he was great with it as a puppy up until the fear period started. We even practiced under tables and other objects similar to how I trained him to wait for a release command from his kennel when I open it.  He understands the cue and what I want him to do and in the past didn't have problems with it.

Anyway, we were getting ready to leave and I gave a clear verbal stay command with the hand signal and indicated to mom to go ahead and get up ( Chakotay could not see me tell her ) while at the same time I again gave the stay commands to the dogs as she was moving to stand and I was swinging my legs out so I could get myself into position to let the dogs come out and get on my feet. Ember didn't flinch, waiting for me to release her.

Chakotay on the other hand suddenly acted like he was on fire and came barreling out from under the table, trampling Ember who was at the open end of the table ( I sat him by the wall on purpose to control his movement )......and slammed right into my legs and through them.  I don't know what hurt more. Chakotay hitting them or the impact causing them to slam against the pole and underside of the table. It was very unpleasant.

I was biting back pain, embarrassed because of his behavior startling people across from us ( who I apologized to ), with Ember and mom both checking with me to make sure I was okay because they knew I had been hurt by it.  I was holding Chakotay by the collar at that point to make him stay in place while I let Ember out and tried to get up. The whole time he was yancy and clearly ready to GTFO.

Mind you nothing at all bad had happened all day. He didn't have to go relieve himself because I made sure to let them both do so before we went into the place to be safe.  He simply had enough for the day and wanted to go back to the car because he knows eventually we will go "home" in it and he doesn't have to be out in public anymore.

Mom couldn't believe he'd done that. She's never seen any of my dogs behave that way, mostly because they all know better.  Sure sometimes they jump the gun if they get excited, but a quick reminder would set them right again.  Even as big of a clumsy dork as Journey could be, he never behaved that way, even when closer to the end of his short career he was clearly not wanting to work because he was in pain. He was grumbly and somewhat impatient but he never plowed through me in his desire to leave a place.

I was hoping having Ember around would help Chakotay more than it did, especially in the non-pet places we go for public access training.  The more I evaluate him and watch his behavior in public with our short training sessions, and go back and look at video I take, I'm just not so sure he will grow out of this; it has been going on since August without improvement.

Him finally interacting with the handful of people that one day in Petsmart was only because I let Ember spazz and say hello to people to try and make it a happy fun thing and missing out on the excitement was enough to overcome any concern he had about the situation.  I can't do that every single place we go with every single person or thing we come across that he might be uncomfortable with. I also can't take both him and Ember together every single time.

It takes a lot of energy to safely handle and direct one, let alone two large dogs in coordinated movement. Especially when one is a strong puppy who clearly doesn't want to be out in the first place. I just don't always have the physical ability to do it.

While Ember's presence seems like it might be enough of a distraction to boost his confidence some, I can't say if it will change enough for him to grow out of this phase completely.  I also have some concern about him somehow becoming dependent on her presence as being the only way he feels confident enough in public.

I can't help but somehow feel like a failure all over again.  I haven't done anything vastly different with Chakotay than I did with raising Journey, that may have inadvertently caused the behavior shift.  After this most recent outing, I'm not sure what to do anymore.  We are so far behind on training skills, mostly because the primary training and reward systems we use at home won't work in public ( he currently won't take food rewards or toy rewards in public ). I have tried relaxation protocol and methods to get him to relax and focus on me, with no luck.

I am in essence forcing him into situations he is not comfortable with simply by the action of taking him out in public anywhere.  Even places he has gone to since he was a tiny puppy and previously been happy to visit. But if I don't take him, he won't get the exposure or continued socializing he needs.  Which even if he washes out as a service dog, he should still have these skills and experiences to be a balanced pet dog.

How long do I keep trying? If he was a program trained dog, he probably would have already been washed and career changed because it would be a risk to the handler and dog both.  He already has a problem with being exposed to common every day stressful situations that a service dog is required to face, and it is pretty unlikely to change.   So rather than invest time and money into trying to overcome that and train past it and hope it works, they cut the dog loose and move on.

I just hate the reality of having to look at it that way, because he is obviously more than just an object to me.  I have become so much more attached to Chakotay in a shorter time than I was with Journey.

My heart wants more than anything to make it work because I love him and I have bonded with him and invested so much into him already.  But my gut instinct tells me it just isn't meant to be. If I was to evaluate him from a neutral standpoint like I would any client's dog, it is painfully obvious from that perspective he isn't a good fit as it currently stands.

So then what do I do? Finding a good home for him is going to be so much more difficult. He'd need someone that was not only familiar with GSD, but someone who is familiar with working with a dog that might live the rest of their lives on the high strung side.

Then what?  Search for another puppy or a young adult dog and try again? Maybe a Rottweiler instead?  They are larger, which is what I need.  Or do I try and find a Labrador, Golden Retriever, or a mix of those breeds and hope it will be big enough? On average most only get around 75lbs on the larger side. A Rottie will easily top out at 120lbs or more.

Going through any reputable breeder who actually OFA HD/ED checks their dogs and does temperament testing and goes by health standards, I am looking at $1k plus easily (unless I can find someone willing to work a price for me for the dog being a service dog, which is less likely for pedigree working dogs).

I always encourage rescue over buying, but as I have discussed in the past, with needing something so specific for a working dog career, it is hard to find a dog that can live up to the standards health and behavior wise from the shelter ( especially with high rate of heartworm positive dogs here in Louisiana ) or hobby breeders.

Maybe I could try fostering for local rescues to see if I could find a potential candidate. It could help save a life by simply being a temporary home if the dog wasn't the right fit, with no long term commitment to keep the dog if it didn't work out for whatever reason.

Otherwise the only choice is just keep waiting and applying for a program dog, and hope nothing happens to Ember before I get accepted and paired with a successor dog.

Then I have to hope either the dog is offered free of charge, or that I can somehow come up with the money to travel wherever I need to go and to cover the cost of the dog ( which is likely $5k to $7k easily with travel, hotel, food, aid to come with me, etc. ).

The money from the service dog fund is completely gone now, used on expenses for Ember and Chakotay.  The service dog fundraiser hasn't seen any activity despite me sharing and asking for help and even offering artwork commissions and things in exchange for it, because I hate having to ask for help and not being able to offer something in return.

The whole situation has been very difficult and trying.  Chakotay is a great dog. I'm just not sure he will ever be comfortable enough to work in public.

Dog Training Seminar

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today started off a bit stressful. Had to get up early for the dog training seminar. Got my coffee and breakfast ( milk and meds yummm ) and got myself dezombified enough. Was right on time, loaded the car. Then my car wouldn't start. Of all the days?  Really?  Yeeaahh.  Can't have it looked at till Monday. Thankfully my aunt could give me a ride.

Got there just in time and got settled.  A room full of dog geeks and dog trainers and professionals somehow dog oriented or with their own fearful dogs, and here I am with Ember.  Everyone wanted to gobble her up and she would have gladly let them and become one with them if it were physically possible.  Everyone was real polite though and resisted the temptation of the cute little black and brindle dog in the room.

The seminar was great.  Debbie is thoughtful and has a wonderful sense of humor, and her presentations reflect that. So did the random times a certain image would flash on the screen and she'd lob various dog toys into the audience.  Ember was sad she didn't get to fetch them all, but behaved herself by simply watching as they went sailing and squeaking.  In the end I made up for it by letting her get all sorts of love from people who had asked, when it was safe to do so.

I was stuck when lunch time came since I didn't have a vehicle.  Some nice folks invited us to ride with them to go get lunch, which I thought was very awesome of them. Thanks again guys!

Great topics were discussed and lots of questions were presented and answered.  It was so wonderful being surrounded by so many dog and behavioral geeks, that sense of common ground and understanding we all shared.  I even got a chance to share my reptile geekery.

Time to speak one on one was limited, but I did have a chance to mention my situation with Chakotay and got some confirmation that we were on the right track. Echoing what I already knew; it is really dependent on the dog, set them up for success and hope for the best. But there is the reality that certain characteristics come with certain breeds and it may need more than behavior modification. Medication can be used to help get things in balance, and once that is used in combination with the training methods, the dog may get to the point where it is no longer needed.

We got a copy of one of Debbie's books and asked her to autograph it, which she was tickled by.  Then Ember and I got our picture taken with her.  After which Ember got sooooo much loooove from Debbie and anyone else who was still there waiting to speak with her.

Overall a good day.

So Many Books

Got so many books from the library, their weight set off the front passenger side "no seat belt" alarm in my car.

Chakotay Update

Hey everyone. Apologies for the lack of updates about Chakotay lately, but there hasn't been a whole lot to report with him in the fear period.  I have been keeping Chakotay home and just practicing basic skills and not much else. I took him out a few times, once every two weeks or so to try and get him over the fear period, but it was always the same reactions of suspiciously shying away and caution barking even at people he has known since he was an 8 week old puppy. Today I decided to try something different. I took Ember with us.

Dogs are social learners, and learn a lot by watching others. Ember is such a moosh and loves everyone that I hoped if I let her say hello to everyone, Chakotay would follow example and be more willing.  I have used a similar technique with other shy or fearful dogs in the past.  First I took him into our local Petsmart alone. Ember waited in the car while it was remote started with AC running. Same nervous reactions he has been displaying, which I recorded if anyone cares for me to share.

Then we went back to the car and took Ember in with us. Chakotay's behavior at first was still hyper vigilant and weary, but slightly less intense. We wandered around some but everyone we knew at the store was busy and it was slow so no one to test with. Then a woman brought her German Shepherd puppy in for grooming, and found her way over to us.  I told her about Chakotay's fear period and asked if she'd like to help, and she happily agreed because she looooves German Shepherds! Ember was total velcro and getting all the love, and surprise surprise!  Chakotay decided he wanted some too!

He even went back several times on his own to ask for more.  Another couple was there with one of their German Shepherds, a huge male pup a month or two older than Chakotay, who was more the size Journey was at that same age.  Chakotay was good about greeting them too with some encouragement and Ember support.  They were all real nice and chatted about the fear period and other dog geek stuff, and we exchanged contact info. Yaay new dog people friends!  Chakotay is still on the smaller side for a male, and seeing him next to this other dog near his same age I just don't think he is going to be a large dog like Journey was, unless he hits a huge growth spurt in the next month or so.  Which may not be ideal if he's going to do full mobility work.  We'll have to wait and see, and put some Miracle Gro in his food in the meantime!

I plan to repeat today's training experiment a few more times to get Chakotay to open up to people again with Ember along, try and see if I can get him interested in treats while doing so, and eventually transition him over to not having Ember along and see how he does. Hopefully he'll go back to being the happy cuddly dork he was with people before the fear period kicked in.

Money Needed For Fear Based Dog Training Seminar - Commissions Open

By any chance does anyone have $115 to spare before the 15th?  There is a dog training seminar that day that I really need to try and attend.  It's to help Chakotay ( service dog in training ) try and overcome this fear period. The presenter is Debbie Jacobs, CPDT-KA, CAP2 and is specifically geared toward working with fearful and anxious dogs.  It will be invaluable for me to be able to attend and likely have the chance to speak with her and others directly. Not only that, but word is a field trainer from one of the big service dog organizations is also attending.  Again, a chance to talk to these people directly about Chakotay's problems is something I hate to pass up just because I don't have the money for it right now.  I am taking commissions in exchange to make it happen.  Animal art, anthro art, jewelry, sculptures, ceramics, all the art things can be yours!


http://leopardwolf.deviantart.com

Melted Puddles

The last month or so has not been pleasant because our AC unit was progressively working less and less.  All this time I thought it was just me, since I overheat so easily.  It's probably the main reason I kept getting so sick on and off. But these past few days it totally stopped working and we had to have the repair people out to service the unit. I was melting into puddles of sad Lhunie-ness and living in front of my tower fan on high.  It was as hot inside as it was outside, somewhere around 83F. Thankfully it is all better now and back to icebox comfortable and I am already starting to feel better.

Speaking of melted puddles.  Ceramics!  I have successfully fired two glaze loads in my kiln, woo!  I waited till after the AC was fixed to start up the second glaze load, since the kiln maxes out around 2,220F for the firing runs I do. We didn't want to add to the miserable heat from the AC not working.

I am all excited about upcoming ceramics projects and other hot art plans!

Moar Flares

Well, seems like I got my wish for cooler weather.  But along with the sudden change came a flareup of astronomical proportions. Everything is ANGRY. Migraine triggers with aura and halos, ocular distortion and blurred vision. I moved wrong and my lower back and hips aggroed and went out aaaand the icing on it all, my De Quervain's Tenosynovitis has flared up so bad I will probably need to get another corticosteroid injection.  But at least it's a little cooler out.  It's nice. But it would be nicer if my body didn't behave like it was the end of the world every time the weather changes.  Trying to be extra careful about how I move, but I refuse to let it slow me down again after I was just starting to recover from the last flare. Lots of Gaba and pain creams all over. I shall smell of menthol!  Excuse me while I go electrocute myself with my TENS.

Exploding Butter

Have a laugh at our expense. I was in the kitchen talking with my aunt while dinner was being made.  She put some butter in the microwave and set it to defrost to melt it. She turned it on and we were talking. All of a sudden.... BOOM... and splatters inside the microwave as we watched in horror.  The butter exploded in the microwave.  It was literally dripping from the ceiling of the microwave and off the door when we opened it. On the bright side, now everything smells deliciously of butter.

Grandma's 90th, Roof Repairs, Ceramics Stuff, Chakotay Stuff

Busy busy busy this month. Working on ceramics and other art. We recently had a surprise party to celebrate my Grandma's 90th birthday.  The whole family and Grandma's friends got together to celebrate. It was nice seeing so many people I have known since childhood. Lots of laughs and smiles were had.

After that we had a roofer out doing repairs and rebuilding the back deck's roof. Needless to say with all the construction sounds starting early AM I got no sleep, on top of getting no sleep because I have been sick.  So I ended up even sicker and ran out of Gaba before insurance would cover the refill. Never fails that I always get really sick during the hottest of the summer.

Despite that, I was able to finally get a glaze load fired.  I was trying to wait for the weather to cool off a little before I did, but that's not going to happen around here anytime soon. Just going to keep running the loads I have and vent with fans, try to time the hottest part for evening and early AM when it is a little cooler out. A small piece I made for my aunt's birthday came out perfect.  I'll be sharing it and others on Patreon and eventually on DA and LWD page.

Nothing much has changed with Chakotay. Taking things slow and staying home. He barked at the roof repair guy when we tried a casual introduction, but at least he was okay after he got used to the noise of the repair work and realized it was not a bad thing. He curiously sniffed at all the tools and supplies and willingly investigated things he was unsure of after I touched them and showed him they were safe. Will be so happy when he gets past this phase and I get my confident puppy back.

5 Gallons Soaked

In other news.  Cleaning 5 gallons of RODI water out of my car's trunk was *exactly* what I wanted to do with my afternoon. /sarcasm    So much for getting grocery shopping done.  Lets hope the trunk mats dry out by tomorrow and I am feeling well enough to go then.

Chakotay's Fear Period

Dog training friends, I am in need of some help.  Chakotay is going through one of the "dreaded teenage phases" ( I try to say that jokingly ) of puppydom.  Better known as a fear impact period.  He's at the 7 month mark, so I understand this is normal and I was expecting it might happen ( even though ironically it never really did with Journey ).  Poor Chakotay has gone from being a confident (but sensitive) sassy pup to having weird reactions to situations, people, objects, and sounds he has always been exposed to or has experienced before and been okay with.

His body language is reserved, he won't take treats/toy rewards like normal, and has avoidance or distancing behavior, so I know he is uncomfortable. People he has known since I got him, he acts suspicious of them and reserved to approach for pets where in the past he'd go right to them for love.  With strangers the behavior is obviously worse with over vigilance and general weariness and wanting to avoid contact.

Same thing with certain environmental stimuli; places we have frequented, smells or sounds he is familiar with, he acts overly surprised, worried, or wants nothing to do with it. It has been hard for me to keep his attention and keep him under his threshold of tolerance because it has varied so much from one point to the next.

I know this is normal behavior during fear periods in adolescent dogs.  My concern is if I cannot help him overcome this, it will disqualify him for being a service dog.

Service dogs need to be friendly toward and accepting of all people and animals they meet, for obvious reasons.  If Chakotay continues to show lack of confidence in public and around strangers, it means he isn't a good fit for the job, and it would be wrong of me to force him to do something he cannot, same as it was with Journey having to be washed for medical reasons.

So for all my canine behavior savvy friends out there, any recommended reading materials or feedback you can offer?  I know the general rules just as it is for the initial puppy fear stages in the 6-12 week or so fear periods and any others. Counter conditioning and desensitizing, make everything as happy and fun and AMAZINGLY positive as possible, do my best to show him it's all normal and nothing to be afraid of, so on and so forth. I plan to continue to socialize him to get the exposure but trying to do so without overwhelming him.  But if he won't take offered rewards/treats for reacting correctly or as part of the OMG AMAZING situation pairing approach, is there anything else I can do to help get the message through to him besides letting him approach as he is comfortable doing so?  Depending on circumstance, he may not want to at all on his own, so I don't want to inadvertently reinforce fear with my own reactions or lack of reactions.

I'm not sure how long I should give him to overcome it.  I know normally you'd just let the dog get comfortable with something at their own pace and work on anything that can boost confidence with that object or situation and confidence in general, which I have already been doing. But I am concerned that as a service dog in training he needs more exposure time than a pet dog would to keep him on track and avoid any huge training setbacks.  It is also a matter of how much time till it passes. I know on average it can be several weeks worth.  But if it lasts past that point, does it mean it may simply just be part of his behavior ( genetically influenced or otherwise ) and accept that he probably isn't cut out for service dog work and go ahead and wash him?

That's not even touching on the other possible problem I may be facing with him; I'm not sure if Chakotay is actually going to be nearly as big as Journey was. He hasn't grown as much as Journey had by this point and his paws are smaller.  I am hoping the fear period is directly related to a developmental growth spurt or something and he is about to supersize himself.

Journey for all intents and purposes was pretty bulletproof from day one, and not much ever really phased him - which was amazing considering how bad some GSD can get.  That's why I am more concerned about Chakotay. From the first day I got him, I already knew he was a lot more sensitive to certain things in ways Journey never was.  Journey just didn't care.  But Chakotay does, and the fear period is amplifying it.  I just want to make sure I do what is best for him.  Even if it means facing a similar situation like I did with Journey.

Road Trip Recap

The endless flurry of activity recently is making my head spin.  Here is a recap.

Before The Trip

Before I found out Mike and I were going on a road trip, I had to unexpectedly relocate my art room from one part of the house to the other. That took a lot of energy and time and required some help from the neighbor to move furniture.

Then I found out we were going to Oklahoma and had to get my car ready for such a long drive.  Turns out I needed new tires and front breaks.  Which was an unexpected expense of over $1,000 that my family helped cover. Considering the car is going on six years old and this is the first time I have had to replace anything huge like that, I am lucky they held out this long. It had to be done one way or another and thankfully family helped make it happen.

Flailing with last minute preparations to get everything ready, get things for the animals taken care of, and figure out trip logistics and give friends a heads up we would be in their neck of the woods for meetups.  It was storming all week up till the day we were ready to leave.  It is horrible to admit, but since we don't have cable TV anymore and I wasn't online checking posts or news or anything because of computer problems, I had no idea the Baton Rouge area had gotten hit as badly as it had.  New Orleans got lots of rain, but we didn't have anything near that kind of flooding where I am staying.  I felt horrible for not knowing sooner, though there isn't much I could have done for anyone in that area with my health problems. Thoughts and prayers are with everyone who was affected.


Travel Time

We didn't realize how bad the flooding was until we got on the road and ended up in the middle of it. Road closures of the major interstates, the exact direction we had to go to get out to OKC. Detours and traffic. Carefully navigating partly flooded roadways. Stopping along the way for breaks and finding the epitome of stereotypical horror movie "dead end gas station" complete with creepy dark road with dilapidated buildings in the middle of nowhere Louisiana where we lost GPS and cell reception at a specific spot along the road..... said NOOOOPE and turned right around to get back to the highway ( the reception came back after we passed that same spot by the way ). The 10hr drive took us about 16hrs.  But we made it. And after some mild drama with the hotel, everything else fit into place as best it could.

Chakotay and Mike were buddies from the start.  The pup kept doing the most adorkable things and endearingly grew on Mike.  They had some wonderful male bonding during that long car ride.  I can't count the number of times Chakotay's head was used as an arm rest while he happily grumbled and nudged us like it was the best thing ever.  For his first time on a very, very long road trip in the back seat of the car, first time staying away from home, first time at a hotel, and similar activities, he did exceptionally well for a six month old puppy. Ember of course handled the whole trip like the pro she is. She was very happy to see Mike after so many months since our last trip to New Jersey.


Museum of Osteology!!!!

One awesome highlight - I got to have a total geekgasm at the amazing Museum of Osteology, which is a private museum devoted to the study of bones and skeletons, and part of the famous Skulls Unlimited.  BOOONES.  SO. MANY. BONES. As a bone collector myself, I was in heaven.  The collection is amazing, and what was on display is only a tiny fraction of what they have.  I took so many pictures, most for anatomy reference and artistic study.  The taxonomic displays were amazing.  I could have stayed there all day just staring at everything. Mike wasn't sure if he'd like it, but he said he really enjoyed it and thought it was neat seeing all the articulated skeletons.  We were actually the last ones in the museum after they closed.  I was totally geeking because hey, this is Skulls Unlimited!  I couldn't help but ask if they had the Thylacine skull replica on site. I wanted a chance to hold it and admire it in person, since I have been drooling over it online for years now.  I was so busy staring at it and talking with the staff about bones and anatomy and geeky things, I totally missed Mike sneaking the guy his card; I just thought the noise was the guy closing out the register for the evening.  Until I was handing the skull back to the him so we could leave and Mike grinned at me and told me to put it in the box and lets walk out with it and the guy who was helping us was grinning too. I almost started crying, because I have dreamed of having this thing that represents something so special and deeply spiritual to me, and now I have the closest thing I ever could ( short of the real thing). It is amazing how similar it looks to my wolf skull.  Now I will dream of having the felidae skull to complete the aspect circle.


Visiting With Friends!

Mike had a chance to see one of his friends and I had a chance to see some of mine.  One being my childhood friend Gabrielle, who is the Burt's Bees knees for understanding and accepting my special crazy self in all the years we have known each other. She helped us brave the wilds of Kansas in search of a meeting place with plentiful food options.  The other being my longtime friend Ash, who I hadn't seen in person in nearly a decade, wow!  Ash it was great getting a chance to see you and James and reminisce over the good ol' days and sketchbook stains, like a lesbian!  Thank you all for driving to hang out with us and have dinner. Wish we could have stayed longer!  There was just not enough time to share all the laughter and hugs and love.  We must do it again!  You guys also need to come visit down here!  Just not during the summer because it is waaaay too hot out there.


The trip was way too short, most of the time spent driving.  Mike couldn't get extra time off because work had every Sunday this month blocked off, no time available. So he couldn't get the day off and extend his stay longer than the week. It would have been nice if we had more time to explore the area and visit with friends while out there.  We made the best of the time we did have. There was a lot of laughter and shenanigans, which we both really needed.

Stupid Computer

Spent the last few days fighting with my computer again.  Just when I was getting everything back in order from the hard drive crash where I lost data and art and things, Windows decides to self destruct itself so badly that it screwed up my boot sector.  I couldn't even access recovery mode or anything similar, nor could I rebuild the boot and registry data.

So all the programs that I had installed on my second drive in case something like this happened.... nope, won't work now.  I have to do everything all over again.  I only lost a handful of things I had saved to my desktop. I got into the habit of moving everything over to my non-OS drives. I don't think I lost anything important except for video edits, or I just haven't realized anything else is missing yet.

Unfortunately this reinstall is glitching out on updates and hanging. Which means I have to reinstall AGAIN.  I haven't bothered to reinstall any of my programs except Photoshop and stuff I need specifically to get ready for the trip.  Which is aggravating because I can't use my other editing programs or Painter as I had planned.  I will get this stuff edited and posted, once my computer stops sabotaging my progress.  When I get back from the trip to OKC I am going to wipe it clean and install, make sure everything is stable, reinstall all my drivers and programs, and ghost the damned drive and make backup points.  I should have this last time around. Live and learn.

Am I back yet?

Just when I thought I'd be back and be able to catch up with online interactions, something else comes up.  Dealing with things as best as I can. Most of it doesn't warrant expending the energy to mention.  Some of it meh.  Some of it sad.  Most recent being the loss of one of my aunts to medical complications.  It was sudden and unexpected, and still hard to accept.  The circumstances around it have made me reflect on my own health issues. I have been in some bad mindspace, so I chose not to burden others with it. Not any different than any negativity I have shared in the past, so why sound like a broken record.

In better news, the Medicaid expansion finally hit.  I got everything with it straightened out, I think.  I went and saw my eye specialist and my rheumatologist. It was finally decided since we'd tried everything else with limited results, it was time to try adding  immunosuppressants. I have been taking Plaquenil and Restasis since then. I wasn't able to until now without insurance, because the Restasis alone would have been over $500 per monthly supply out of pocket, similar to the problems I had with getting my Cymbalta before it went generic.

There is no generic for Restasis, so I am having to fight for a prior authorization for it. The insurance allowed the first month purchase to go through so I would have it, so kudos to them for thinking of the patient in these situations. Now I just hope they are reasonable to approve the prior auth since it is literally the only medication of its class and kind so there are no alternative treatments available to substitute.  I also saw my new primary and she seems pretty awesome. A lot like my awesome Mayo doctor was the first time we met.  Getting referrals for lab work and to see an orthopedic specialist, neurologist, and endocrinologist finally, after waiting an eternity.  Here is to hoping I can get approvals for a bone density scan and MRI real soon.

Finished gathering, compiling, and submitting all the information for my Disability appeal.  My rheumatologist and I sat down and compiled a whole slew of things to throw at them, based on their own listing criteria, and directly quoted those criteria and offered detailed information for a functionality report based on models they use, which should be more than enough medical evidence to support my claim and get approval.  Now it is just a matter of waiting again. It could take a year or more before the case is even issued to a judge.  Unless someone in the processing department reviews it and sees how blatantly it is that I meet listing level criteria and should have been approved the first time around.  Jump. Through. Hoops. Makes my fur bristle the more I have to conform to their inadequate process.

The benefit of waiting is that it gives me that much more time to research and be thoroughly prepared for the hearing when the time comes. I did speak with a helpful woman in their support department who sent me some information for legal assistance for low/no income individuals. I plan to utilize it if I am able to. It's not the same as retaining a private attorney, but I'm sure I can learn something either way if I qualify to use it.

Back to catching up on things I missed.

Updates, Nirding

I return. Sort of.  I have had a horrible go at it with reoccurring flair ups of my autoimmune issues. No thanks to the stress of having to jump through more hoops to get a little help.

It is better explained here, with neat pictures of my crazy flesh!

http://www.patreon.com/posts/handy-hands-5871180

It is finally letting up enough where I can think somewhat clearly and function enough to venture on here and see what everyone is up to.

I have a ton of little updates to make here or there, mostly passing comments about random things that have happened.

That includes a very random and rapid visit from my friend, the good doctor Jenn.

She brought along her friend and fellow doctor Abby ( who was moving to Louisiana, yay! ) and Abby had with her an awesome gyr-burd.

The nirds taught me great wisdom of avian ways. Shenanigans were had, great photos were captured ( envy of Jen and her snazzy super lens ), tasty gator was partaken and good company shared by all. It was an awesome day and evening full of laughs and animal geekery that I have been dying for.

They got to meet Ember and Chakotay and experience the silly that is service dogs given a "relax and say hi" command.  Chakotay did very good for his first lengthy outing working alongside Ember with all sorts of crazy distractions ( like birds! ).  It was also his first experience doing a long and boring down/stay under a restaurant table.

It was totally worth the recovery time from all the activity afterwards.  They went to the French Quarter the following day before leaving town, and while I wish I could have too, there is no way I could have gone along and managed to keep up. Especially not in the scorching heat and humidity.

Other stuff happened. I found a baby possum skeleton, I saved a fledgling Blue Jay in epic fashion, I have been training with my dorky dogs when my body allows, and I continue to battle medical conditions and fight for the aid I need.  With the Medicaid expansion I am finally getting access to immunological medications and other treatment options, which we hope will better control symptoms.

I think I covered all the main highlights. 

Autoimmune Flairs Suck

I have been dragging through the past two months or so with a Sjögren's flair up. I get them regularly and stress and weather conditions, alongside complications from my Ehlers-Danlos and other conditions, can make them worse.

Been having a horrible time with my tooth and jaw issues.  The nerve pain has gotten so bad I have had to increase the amount of Gabapentin I am taking and taking it to near maximum daily allowances just to get relief. It's gotten so bad I have had to blender things I eat and stick to eating soft stuff. It's insanely frustrating because the pain is so bad at points between it and the Gaba I can't think straight or get anything done. I have a whole mess of updates and things to share for Chakotay that are back logged, among other things.

This is one of the first days the Gaba has been able to control the pain enough for me to sit and type some.  I also have some medical updates but that will come in a different post and may wait till Monday since I have an appointment with my Rheumatologist.  Hope everyone else is fairing better and doing well.

Disability Claim Denied, Appeal Time

The Social Security Administration denied my Disability claim.

Despite the overwhelming evidence I submitted.  Probably because they didn't bother reading any of it. Not surprising. Their job is to deny everyone.

Time to appeal and fight back.  It'll go to hearing before a judge. I knew it would happen this way, I was expecting it.  My current plan is to represent myself. I have already been formulating a best method of approach. I will probably be contacting people to request testimonies and witness statements as evidence for the court case.

I will need help and support through this difficult process. My life depends on this having a positive outcome. That may sound dramatic, but it is the truth. Without aid, I have nothing.  I am out of options.

New Service Dog Fundraiser

My birthday is this week, May 21st.  This is the new service dog fundraiser.  If you have a few bucks to spare, please consider helping.  Pass it along too.  Thank you.

http://www.youcaring.com/brittney-steptoe-570453

Murphey's Law Kinda Week

This week has been utterly insane in the amount of flail worthy happenings.

One thing after another, little things adding up at first, and then some big things that left me cursing Murphey's Law.


Hard Drive Crash

The icing on that cake was one of my main hard drives just suddenly... dying.  It was from my old system, along with another drive that I thought actually had problems and was cautious not to put anything important on, even naming it "iffy drive".  But nooope, it is still working for the moment.

Instead the drive I had all my Steam games, saves, mods, etc on and a plethora of other stuff I hadn't fully copied ( I was running out of room on my portable drive -- which also might be going bad )....all poof!  No warning. It was fine when I went to bed, woke up the next day and tried to access something from it and got an error that the content didn't exist at that location. Which made me click on something else, getting the same error... my heart sinking as I opened my system info and the hard drive was no longer listed.

It sucks, but it's not as bad as some hard drive crashes I have had. I didn't lose every single thing. That only happened once when I was younger and first getting into computers, and after that, I religiously backed up everything multiple times if I could.  Because, with my luck, this sort of thing always happens.  Mike was kind enough to order a new hard drive to replace it, as part of my birthday present.  I need it for art stuff and Skyrim and Fallout offer me some happy when I am not able to do anything else.

Anyway, the drive came yesterday and I went to install it.  Rebooted. Nothing.  No new drive showing.  Which led to a hours of troubleshooting to conclude that thanks to Murphey's Law, I received a brand new hard drive that was DOA.

Seriously, what are the chances?  I am sending it back for a replacement.  We're hoping it is only that the new drive was also dead.  Otherwise the only other possibility is a motherboard problem.  With this brand new motherboard in this new system.  Which is going to make me flail to epic proportions because going through the warranty replacement process for that, having to take the whole computer apart and basically rebuild it and reinstall Windows... nope.  Not looking forward to that at all.


Osteopenia Confirmed, Dental Blarghs

In medical news I am still waiting to hear from SSA. Saw my Rheumatologist yesterday, and he did mention he'd just gotten something from SSA and hadn't had a chance to see what it was yet.  So we'll see what happens with that.  I told him about my fall and ankle/shin injury and how I was still having pain from it. He wrote me a prescription for some sort of topical that is different from the one for my wrist.

He also changed my Gabapentin prescription due to some issues I have had with the low income charity pharmacy giving me a hard time refilling it this week (because I blew through a 3 month supply in a month due to increasing problems with my teeth and jaws) and I had actually run out. It's not a medication you can just stop taking cold turkey.  I had to argue with them and beg to have their staff ask my doctor there to give me enough to cover until I could see my Rheuma this week, since I wouldn't be able to get an appointment soon enough with her.  My teeth/jaw have gotten so bad I actually had to finally resort to putting stuff in the food processor to make it more manageable since I can't really chew much of anything with my damaged teeth, without feeling excruciating pain.  Nerve pain is horrid and unforgiving.

I showed my Rheumatologist that Mayo Clinic radiology report that the fill-in doc ( who took over when my awesome doc left for his fellowship) totally fucked up on.  He confirmed it does show Osteopenia in my lumbar spine.  Though at first he didn't see it, and did the same thing I think the Mayo doctor did.  The hip values were okay and the info runs together.  He glanced right over it until I pointed right at it and he went back and more carefully read the values and went "Ahh, yep. Osteopenia."   So he wants me to get a bone density scan done as soon as I can, which will be when the Medicaid expansion hits hopefully in July.  It could be what's partly causing my lower back problems. Plan is to get lab work done to see if my blood calcium levels are abnormal/high without the supplement. See if there is any change in the spine scan, and go from there.  Just hope another two months or more doesn't make a huge difference on top of the 3 years I didn't know.  Everyone makes mistakes. It just sucks when a doctor does it and it could risk such a damaging and life changing condition becoming worse from not knowing soon enough.  Same reason I need to get that MRI done to rule out MS and some other neurological concerns based on certain symptoms I have had.


More later.

All Things Medical And Dental

Apologies for the recent radio silence. Been having a real rough go at it the past week or so. My teeth/jaws have gotten worse and the changing weather makes them flair real bad. The nerve pain I get from it is overwhelming.  My Gaba meds just manage to take the edge off. But then breakthrough pain hits and I take more Gaba to beat it back. Once enough is in my system, sedating effects kick in and I am lucky if I can manage to remain awake and coherent to get anything done.

On top of that, Wasabi has been sick recently and unexpected vet bills popped up. He is stable for the moment and on a new special diet, but may need surgery for teeth and other stuff. Really uneasy about putting him under with his age of around 12 years old ( he was an adult farm rescue estimated at a year or so old when I found him ).

I had Chakotay in two training classes, but had to drop one to get the refund because his next round of vaccinations are due and I didn't get money I was supposed to for that because of other drama. The only reason we can remain in the other is because a friend/fellow trainer is kind enough to let us sit in on a puppy class she has as an assistant trainer so Chakotay still gets the exposure and socialization. Really need to generate more money for service dog purposes.

Still waiting to hear back from SSA.  Have a doctor's appointment on the 12th with my Rheumatologist.  Trying to find out about getting in for oral surgery somewhere so I can FINALLY get these horrible teeth taken care of.  They need to come out and I need implants, which is going to cost a small fortune ( insurance does not cover implants normally, even if I had insurance, which I do not). Because of my EDS and other medical quirks, I can't do dentures. The longer I wait, the worse it gets and I am risking more serious bone loss and complications in my jaw and facial structure. I am already in constant pain and having major difficulties chewing/eating and talking for extended amounts of time.  It is miserable, but there isn't much I can do without the money.

I tried going through LSU dental school but haven't heard back on the new referral in months and last I asked they claimed they didn't do them anyway ( which I find odd since you know, where else is a dental surgeon going to learn to do the procedure? ). They told me I'd have to find somewhere else to go.  So now I am searching for an oral surgeon locally who might empathize with my situation and be willing to somehow work with me before this becomes more serious than it already is and requires more extensive corrective surgery of not just dental structure, but entire jaw bone structure.

Happier updates with puppy pictures and art stuff later.

Service Dog Fundraiser Amount Clarification

To clarify something with the service dog fundraiser I have been doing, because a friend pointed out some confusion.  We were having a discussion about me needing to come up with $120ish for a training class and I was saying I'd have to raise the money.  Trying to be helpful she made the comment "At least you have the $700 from the service dog fund if you need to use that".

I actually do NOT have that much.  That is just the total that was raised from the time that I first got Journey until the time I had to rehome him (almost 2yrs worth). This was before I made the choice to apply to CPL and everything.  That money at the time was specifically raised to go toward his training and care, or toward service dog related expenses, and it did.  Some of it went to help cover some expenses during the two trips I took to visit CPL.

In reality I only have around $380 remaining currently.  $250 of that is tied up in a revolving line of credit (LOC) with the bank. This was done to hold the money for the service dog fund purposes but to also help improve my credit, since I had medical debt and have been unemployed. It works sort of like a credit card. I can spend up to that amount, but I have to "pay it back" at the end of the month.  Until I close the LOC anuyway. When I do, I get that $250 back. But I don't plan on doing that anytime soon because it really has helped improve my credit so far.

The remaining $130ish is the actual "spending money" I have right now specifically for service dog or CPL related things.  The rest of it is gone.  It was spent back when I had Journey for his care and supplies, and some of it was just spent recently for the new things I needed for Chakotay.

This is why I keep sharing the link to the fundraiser.  I am in limbo waiting to hear back from SSA on Disability, so unless I sell art or creative things, a commission, or something from my Etsy store, I don't have any other source of money coming in unless someone is kind enough to donate.

Did the "amount raised" display on the fundraiser confuse anyone else ( make you think that was how much I still had)?

Should I start a brand new fundraiser at $0 amount so people realize I really don't have $700 already toward the cause?

I hate that I even have to ask for help, I'd much rather people buy my art, crafts, jewelry, or commission me so they get something in return.

But aside from dog training and animal psychology related training and sharing my knowledge, that's the only other thing I can do, and all of it is limited by my health problems at any given time.

Puppy Milestones - 9 Weeks Old

Good Sits, Downs, Leave Its, Waits

Working on Stay, Focus and Duration

Multiple Outings To Pet Friendly Stores ( in short time I have had him )

Met 100 New People Before 10 Weeks Old ( yaaay puppy socialization! )

Got Nails Trimmed Without Batting An Eye

Visited Local Starbucks And Did AMAZING down-stay!!! (First "no pets allowed" store exposure.)

AKC STAR Puppy Material!  ( Need class and testing eval, but he already does behaviors)



Chakotay will be 10 weeks old this coming Sunday, April 17th.

Disability Update

Stage one of Disability determinations completed. I called SSA today and apparently I have a new worker, which explains part of the run around. She confirmed everything with me and told me she'd be submitting my case to their doctors for review tomorrow.

Now waiting to hear back on the medical determination stage. This is the big one, where the longest wait normally is. Cross your fingers, and send tons of positive thoughts and prayers for a positive outcome.  Hoping for the best, expecting the worst.

Chakotay - Puppy Update, 9 Weeks Old

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally have a chance to sit and write a puppy update for those who have been waiting.

Chakotay is the pup's name.

After a week of narrowing it down and seeing which sounds he responded best to, it was between that and Tesla.  He chose. He responded far better to "Chakotay" and "Kotay".

Been busy with puppy stuff. Socializing and training. We have gone to local Petco and Petsmart for exposure to new things and meeting awesome people and even a few different animals.

He had an appointment with the vet today, and both the vet and one of the vet techs recognized his name. They kept wanting to call him "Commander" ( the character's eventual rank in the show ).  I think they decided they needed to go rewatch the series on Netflix after our visit.

Chakotay weighs 13.6lbs and is 9 weeks old currently.  He has big feet and big ears and is a fluffball of an adorable Alsatian. Healthy as a horse and it is obvious he's going to be a big dog as he gets older. Which is just what I need.

Chakotay is a lot more sensitive than Journey was, but he also seems to be learning much quicker and has a better body structure.

Some things ( mostly sounds ) startle him at first, but when we come across such a thing he recovers quickly. I normally recreate the situation if I can, so he can see what causes it. Once he does, he's totally okay with it after I make it into a big happy thing and give praise and treats.

I have pictures and video to upload and share and some funny things I have been taking note of to share.

I have to raise money for upcoming vet expenses and PennHIP Xrays, and puppy and obedience classes. Anyone interested in helping, who can spare a few dollars, please consider purchasing artwork or creative things from me, supporting me on Patreon, or donating to the service dog fund raiser to help us stay on track.  Feel free to share, repost, reblog, re-whatever!  Thank you for taking the time to read and for your support.

Shop:  http://www.etsy.com/shop/LeopardWolf

Support:  http://www.patreon.com/leopardwolf

Donate:  http://www.youcaring.com/brittney-steptoe-428674

Disability Determination / SSA Stalling

Quick update. Ankle is still tender but as long as I am not on it too long I can tolerate the pain enough to walk on it for short amounts of time and for short distances. Puppy is doing good, will write more about that in a puppy update I am working on.

Getting increasingly aggravated with the SSA and this disability determination process.  They sent me ANOTHER letter requesting info I already gave them.  This is the third time they have done so.

I filled out the application online and it specifically asked for this info and I filled in the blanks.  Then I also submitted it with the info I gave them to copy in person. All of that info was carefully organized and selected because they had already asked for it, or I knew they would ask for it, so I included it thinking it would help them and make the process more efficient.

So how can you not have it and still be requesting it unless clearly you haven't bothered to actually look through my entire file?

Or you are just wasting time, resources and paper.

The fact that one of my conditions is actually listed on the SSA "auto determination list" should make this entire process totally irrelevant.  But noooope.

Because, government.

Fall Down, Go Ow

Apologies in advance for excessive use of vulgar language here, but pain warrants it.

I fell and hurt myself. I was on the floor almost 20mins waiting for it not to hurt as much. My ankle/shin front hurts like a fucker now. My elbow is split open, it caught most of the fall and slide.

Think I sprained it, high ankle sprain. Doing laundry, fucking washcloth I didn't see, slipped against tile floor, I tried to recover and locked legs to balance, I think it twisted, then I felt a sharp intense pain and leg buckled, went down hard and hit elbow going down, caught self on edge of bed. Landed right between bed and puppy kennel.

Ember was right on me seeing if I was okay and then puppy started bawling and pawing at me through the kennel. I was literally seeing red it hurt so much and knew if I got up too fast I'd pass out, I could feel it. So just lay there with the dogs and cats worrying at me till I felt safe to sit up and crawl to desk to reach my cell.



Keep ice/elevating it and put on ankle stabilizer and ACE bandage. It hurts real fucking bad just sitting here no matter how I rest. Hurts more if I bend it a certain way.  Constant throbbing burning, and hurts to bear weight but I can walk on it. If I put any pressure against shin area it hurts like a fucker. Even uncomfortable with ankle brace and ACE bandage against it.

Going to try and force to walk on it though because if it is tibia/fibula that is bad place to get weakness, and feels like it is.

I just don't want my other parts to get angry and fucked up because of it. Knee and hip will be next and hip on that side was already snarky. But pain in shin/ankle has brain totally ignoring rest. Then the other side of my body is going to get angry for compensating and working too much to make up for the injury on the other side.

Ugh. So much for being as productive as I wanted to be.

That's what I get for trying to clean the house more than I normally do.

Don't want to call or text mom or aunt because not much they can do. They are both 2hrs+ away right now. Aunt went to visit friends for the weekend so I am home alone with the animals.

I don't want to go to the damned ER. They are such shit here and don't think I can comfortably drive myself let alone get to ER I went to last time because there is no parking and there is no way I am walking that far on this.

Would have to probably go to one in Metairie 30mins from here. All they are going to tell me is do what I already am for it probably, besides taking xray maybe.

Was hurting enough that I said fuck it and took two Aleve ( I am on Meloxicam so really only supposed to take that once a day and nothing else ) and Gaba. Not sure how long it should take to kick in.

Going to sit here with a Grumpy Cat look on my face and shake my cane.